uhhuhhim (uhhuhhim1) wrote in semihorrible,

Bake Sale

"Today on Money Saving Meals, I am making tasty bake sale treats at super low prices!," exclaims the Queen of SLop, who looks like she just regurgitated Molly Ringwald's costume from Pretty in Pink while she's been away. Get ready to see some of your "all-American bake sale favorites" go stale in today's season premiere!

Bake Sale:
Lemon Sugar Cookies with Sandy's Colored Sugar
Apple Walnut Sticky Buns
Hot Chocolate Jars
Ham and Cheese Spirals
Round 2 Recipes:  Ham and Cheese Croquettes / Cinnamon Roll French Toast

The farce begins with her "favorite, favorite 'russipe' for Lemon Sugar Cookies with Sandy's Colored Sugar, which are "so simple to do," because she creams equal parts butter to sugar with a mixer before adding in, for once, FRESH lemon juice [and zest], followed by:  1 3/4 C flour, 1 t baking soda and a pinch of salt.  The resulting dough, which doesn't even look properly mixed, is rolled into a log a la Claire Robinson-style and refrigerated before it's sliced into 1/2-inch thick disks, which are then dipped in "Sandy's Colored Sugar," which she deems "unbelievable," as it's nothing more than red and blue food coloring mixed with white granulated sugar.  They bake at 350 for 13 minutes until they're as flat as Calista Flockhart!  She fawns over a 51% savings vs. store-bought, but in reality, her version only costs a whopping $0.13 less.  And that's probably AFTER she eliminated EGGS from the recipe (WTF?!).  Hey, at least I predicted the sugar and food coloring.  I bet these would go perfectly with her tart, butt puckering Farm Stand Lemonade, though!

"Of course I'm starting with a pre-made cinnamon roll," she asserts when demonstrating her Apple Walnut Sticky Buns, because busting open a can on the edge of the counter is the "least expensive way to make them and I think they're delicious!"  "The most amazing apple-walnut mixture," a combination of dark brown sugar, walnuts and diced granny smith apple -- is dumped into the bottom of a 12-cup muffin tin, followed by the store-bought cinnamon rolls.  They're cooked according to package directions while she adds one of her "very very favorite ingredients," "pun-kin" pie spice -- to canned icing along with water!  This is doused over the cinnamon rolls like a man unloading onto Jenna Jameson's plastic face.  She then makes contradictory statements about the price, remarking that hers cost $7.78 ($0.65 per roll) while "store-bought, ready made" would cost $10.58, a savings of 26%.  HELLO, DUMBASS!  You just used "store-bought, ready made" cinnamon rolls -- you didn't save jack shit!  And how much you wanna bet that those apple pieces are half RAW?  Stick it up your ass and around the corner, moron and choke on that fucking icing!

As I predicted, her Hot Chocolate Jars are nothing more than mason jars filled with:  1/4 C sugar, 1/2 C unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 t cinnamon and a handful of mini marshmallows.  This "very cute, unique thing to sell at a bake sale," is adorned with a piece of "pretty fabric, whatever your color theme is" on top, followed by a "pretty, 'lil ribbon" on the lid to secure the fabric.  She even has gift tags on the jars with an "extra 'russipe'" so that everyone knows how to turn the mix "into the most amazing hot chocolate ever!"  LMAO!  I fucking PREDICTED this bullshit!  Can we say "Semi-HO-made party favor?!"  What's even worse is that the stupid bitch couldn't even SHAKE the jar to try and sift the ingredients together.  Instead, she just layered it all in there as fast as she could so she could assault the jar with "pretty fabric" and "pretty, 'lil ribbons" and "sweet" gift tags with an "extra 'russipe'" so everyone knows how to turn it into "the most amazing hot chocolate ever!"  FUCK YOU!  I'd rather make hot chocolate mix by snorting a PACKET of Swiss Miss through my nose and chasing it with warm milk!  Fuck this cutesy BULLSHIT!

It gets even more uninspired with her Ham and Cheese Spirals, which in a nutshell, is a slab of deli-bought pizza dough slathered with a nasty sauce made with olive oil, jarlic and an insane amount of Italian seasoning -- and topped with deli ham and shredded cheddar.  This is rolled up like a pinwheel, sliced, doused with a pointless egg wash and baked to death for 35 minutes in a 375 degree oven until she has "genius pinwheels," at least the ones that didn't expand and uncurl on her, right?  I'm not even going to go over the price points because I wouldn't even pay for them seeing as how I predicted the ham and cheddar.  I guess they were out of puff pastry sheets that day, right Sandy?

The episode ends with a terrible Round 2 Recipe for Ham and Cheese Croquettes that are nothing but gut bombs.  She mixes 1/4 C "melk" with one "aig" and dumps that into 1 C of rancid, homemade Bisquick, with:   2 t thyme, half of a medium onion, s+p and, go figure -- "leftover" deli ham and shredded cheddar.  This sloshed together in a bowl, shaped with a mini ice cream scoop, dipped in panko bread crumbs and fried in 4 C of her sacred canola oil until they're golden brown on the outside and completely RAW in the center!  She calls them a "beautiful thing," but it's $2.05 in wasted ingredients!

She also has a Round 2 Recipe that's SUPPOSED to be online, but isn't yet again, for Cinnamon Roll French Toast.  As you can imagine, since she's a hamster on a wheel, she slices the "leftover" cinnamon rolls from earlier in half, dips them in a bland french toast batter (sans flour) and cooks them on a griddle 2 minutes a side.  She then mixes 2 T of maple syrup into the leftover canister of cinnamon roll icing and drizzles it over the top of the "french toast."

All of it was utterly POINTLESS!  The only thing that she actually made from scratch were the cookies, but they were so flat and bland, who would buy them?  She didn't make the cinnamon rolls and she DANCED through those Hot Chocolate Jars like a gypsy on a hot plate!, which by the way, were a complete ripoff of Martha Stewart.  Sadly, the only thing the bitch actually proved is that she couldn't bake her way out of an Easy-Bake Oven if she had to, which is actually a GOOD thing!
Tags: sandra's money saving meals
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